Sometimes, if you listen very closely, you can hear Satan rallying his demonic troops and yelling, "CHARGE!!!!" It's a scary thing. And boy have I heard it.
We had a little parlay a while back, the Devil and I. Well not really, but I feel like we did. The conversation went as follows:
Satan: (in evil hiss voice) Sooo. You think you can battle me, huh? You really think you can make a difference? You really think you can somehow further God's Kingdom in Belize?"
Me: (after long, steely glare) Yep.
Satan: And you're certain about this? You're decided? You're going.
Me: Yup.
Satan: Fine. You're determined to go? Well I'm determined to stop you.
Me: *scoff* Right. Bring it.
God: Leave her alone, Satan. That's my beloved, faithful baby girl.
Satan: (to God) Fine (to me) This isn't over.
Well, he was right about two things. He was (and is) determined to stop me and it wasn't over.
This week my heart and mind were ground zero for one of the nastiest demonic incursions I have ever experienced, bar none. No joke. The result was one of the most difficult weeks I've lived through which included meltdowns, near meltdowns, the inability to regulate my emotions, fear, anger, insecurity, isolation, and complete and utter exhaustion on all levels of my being.
In John 8 Satan is called the "father of all lies." This I believe now more than ever. I know this because of one of his other names: "the accuser."
Here's the thing about Satan. He doesn't always come at you head on. He's sneaky. He does his homework. He gets to know those he wishes to attack and uses that knowledge against them. Judging by his activities this week, he REALLY did his homework on me. Then he watched and waited until I was emotionally spent and attacked. You see, he knew a few things about me that helped with timing. 1) I'm an introvert and I had spent the week working and preparing for my friends' wedding and then all weekend doing wedding activities.While it was a joy to be a part of that, it meant I was around people constantly, had no time to myself, and spent a great deal of time in emotionally high situations. 2) I'm a protector. I am intensely protective and empathetic towards those I love. Their burdens are mine. Often in my eyes, it is my job to protect and prevent further hurt and ease that which they are already experiencing. When they hurt, I hurt. Over the past few weeks at least 3 people who are incredibly dear to me have gone through some hard times and have been in a lot of pain. So, you see, he sensed the time was right and he attacked.
Satan: "You can't do this.You think you're all grown up but you'll never make it on your own. You know nothing about teaching high-schoolers. You are useless on your own. You will fall apart within a matter of weeks. You'll fail. What makes you think you can do this? You couldn't get a job as a teacher here, what makes you think you'll be successful there? You will fail completely."
And then he really hit a sore spot: "What are you going to do now? You can't talk about this. You can't share this with anyone. Then they'll know. They'll know you're weak. They'll know you're a failure."
See he knew to say that because he knows something else about me. I HATE to be thought of as weak. It's a serious pride issue for me. I never really understood why until my dear sister, Leslie, pointed something out to me. I AM a protector. I don't like being perceived as weak because in my mind if someone thinks I am weak, if I let them see my pain, if I let myself be truly vulnerable with them they will see me as unable to care for them well. They will not allow me to be there for them and be strong for them when they need someone to love them and care for them. THEN I would truly be a failure: a protector with no one to protect. Now I would like to say that I truly understand that ultimately it is God who protects and not me, but caring for people in that way is how I was wired and one of the ways I express love. But the idea that I will be rejected for my weakness and lose those I care about? Lies from the pit, my friends. Lies from the pit.
BUT, in the fragile state I was in, that missile hit its target.
Then he went on to attack me further: "You see, you are worthless. You have nothing to offer. You aren't worth pursuing. You'll always be alone."
These attacks coming over and over left me raw, but through all of this God showed me His love, His grace, His mercy and His truth in a number of ways.
1) I know I've said it before, but y'all, I have some incredible friends. I have NO idea how I would manage without them. Monday night I had a meltdown the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Chernobyl. A dear brother was, by the grace of God, there to walk through it with me. This guy, God has gifted with an ability to care for people in pain. He knows how to help you get it out too. He poked and prodded and pushed until it all came pouring out. He helped me process it. He spoke God's truth to me and helped me in identifying Satan's handiwork. Then Wednesday I came close to another meltdown with Leslie. Leslie is incredibly perceptive and articulate. I frequently walk away from our conversations with a better understanding of myself and of my God. We spent a good hour mulling over lies and their effect on us. How it is that as humans we find the lies so much easier to believe than the truth. Sometimes the lies seem safer. Sometimes they make more sense. But they isolate. They imprison. They slowly kill our souls and spirits. These are just two examples. I have many friends who have encouraged me and blessed me beyond what is within my ability to express.
2) I believe now, more than ever, that this is God's calling on my life right now. I have NEVER been attacked like I was last week. If this weren't what I was supposed to be doing, Satan wouldn't be attacking. Why would he bother to strike if I weren't a threat? If I weren't a danger to his plan? But that's the thing, I AM a threat. I AM a danger. I am going to Belize to serve God, to teach His children, and to train them to be His soldiers too in this spiritual battle we are waging. So you see, Satan, you may have thought this would stop me but in reality it confirmed my calling. It made me that much more sure that this was what God drove me to.
3) After a looooong conversation with another wonderful sister, I realized something. I have lost focus. I let Satan and his lies distract me from my purpose. I let him mess with me and my insecurities. I believed him. I let it draw me away from God's purpose for me. That can't happen. Acknowledging this has made me realize that I need to be far more vigilant and need to be pursuing God's will and praying for His protection more than ever.
4) This drove me to seek help. It drove me to acknowledge and own up to my weaknesses and insecurities. It forced me to surrender them to God. Today in church I was, once again struck by the words to a song which has been almost an anthem to me in recent months, "Mighty to Save." One of the verses says the following:
"So take me as you find me,
All my fears and failures.
Come fill my heart again.
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in.
Now I surrender."
As I have been struggling through all of this, in addition to the people He provided, God provided two things which I have clung to and received great encouragement from. One was this:
I think this resonates with me because of that whole pride issue I mentioned earlier. There is something incredibly freeing in confessing at the top of my lungs that I am not strong enough and embracing the truth that I don't have to be because God is!
The other is a verse God brought me to. Isaiah 59:19 says:
"When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the LORD will raise up a standard against him."
As a history major, this particular verse struck me (yes, I'm aware I'm a little bit of a nerd). Why? The reference to the standard. A standard was the flag or banner which was carried ahead of an army in battle. It was raised up to do a couple things. First, it showed identity. Second, it was a rallying point for the army. Why is this significant? Well, Deuteronomy 20 says, "For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." So in this case, God raising the standard means that 1) we are given identity and 2) we have a rally point. As believers, our identity is that of beloved children, redeemed and set apart. Not only are we given identity but it makes sure that the enemy knows that identity. He's making sure Satan knows EXACTLY who he's messing with. That standard says "This is My army: the army of the Lord. These are My warriors and My children. You think you're fighting hard? I'll be fighting harder.
I will lead these precious ones into battle and I will fight for them. And you? You. Will. Lose." And as we are His children and warriors and have given our lives to Him and in this great spiritual battle, He is our rallying point. How wonderful is this?
Alright Lord, equip me please. And raise that standard.
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